A Long Time Coming
by piratewench78
Summary: Fifteen months have gone by since the accident. Has anything changed between Rayna and Deacon?
1. Chapter 1

_**I feel like all I've done is write sad stories about Rayna and Deacon, so decided to change it up a little bit. This looks ahead at what it might be like on "Nashville" fifteen months after the accident. What if something happens that brings them together again and makes them face all those old feelings?**_

"Sweetheart? Rayna?" Tandy reached for her sister's hand. Rayna jumped as though she'd been startled and turned back to look at Tandy. "Where were you?" Tandy asked.

Rayna gave her a ghost of a smile. Her eyes looked slightly unfocused, as though she'd been daydreaming. She shrugged. "Just thinking."

"What about?"

Rayna shrugged again and then smiled more broadly. "I was thinking about getting one of those frou frou drinks with the umbrella."

Tandy laughed. They were sitting by the pool at the Viceroy Resort in Anguilla. She had suggested a girls' weekend and was a little surprised Rayna had agreed. The past 15 months since the accident had been tough and had resulted in many major life-changing events for Rayna. Tandy had thought a getaway might do her some good. "I think we should both have one of those," she responded.

Rayna sat up on the lounge chair. "Why don't you order them? I left my book in the room."

"Ok." Tandy watched her sister get up and walk towards the hotel. Then she waved a server over and placed their order. She thought Rayna still seemed a little distracted and at loose ends. But nearly dying might cause that reaction. A lot of other things had happened in the aftermath. There was the divorce from Teddy and then his engagement and break up with Peggy Kenter. Rayna had left Edgehill Republic, along with Juliette Barnes, and they had joined an upstart label, along with Rayna's Highway 65 venture. Her relationship with Maddie was better, finally, but they still were going through fits and starts. And Maddie's reaction to Teddy's situation with Peggy had exacerbated her normal teenage craziness. Rayna had had several relationships, very uncharacteristically, and had been disappointed on that front. But the biggest change was that she had broken up with Deacon right after she'd gotten out of the hospital. And had had very little contact with him since. Tandy thought that was what had changed her sister the most. She had hoped this trip would be a way to break through with Rayna, but she had steadfastly refused to talk about Deacon anymore.

When Rayna came back and sat down, Tandy handed her a drink. Rayna smiled and took a sip. "Mmm, that's perfect!" she said. She looked over at her sister. "Thanks for making me come on this trip, babe. This is great. I really needed this."

Tandy smiled back. "I'm so glad you came. I was afraid you'd think you couldn't get away." She took a sip of her drink. "How's work going, by the way?"

Rayna nodded, smiling. "Good, actually. I was afraid it would feel odd being with a new label after all those years with Edgehill, but it's been really good. Scarlett's first album drops next week and we're working on some things for Gunnar."

"What about you?"

Rayna shrugged. "You know, I really thought I'd miss the touring and the recording all the time, but it's actually been nice to take a little step back and work with some new talent." She laughed and winked at her sister. "I'm actually going to do a little benefit show with Juliette, if you can believe that."

Tandy looked surprised. "That, well, that really surprises me. I mean, it was kind of surprising that she left Edgehill with you, but I never thought you'd want to be on a stage with her again."

"Well, she's grown up a teeny tiny bit." Rayna scrunched her face up, then looked serious. "She's been a friend to Maddie and I have to admit that I appreciate it. I thought she might try to take advantage of the situation, but she's actually helped it a little, I think."

Tandy raised her eyebrows. "Really. That _is_ surprising. She doesn't really strike me as that good of a role model."

"Well, I don't want Maddie to _be_ Juliette, but if Juliette can help her work through some of her anger, then maybe it's not so bad."

Tandy reached for Rayna's hand and squeezed it. "She seems like she's coming around a little."

Tears pricked Rayna's eyes. "A little. I'm wondering if we'll ever get back to how things were. I miss my relationship with her."

"Is she talking to Deacon, do you know? Spending any time with him?"

Rayna picked up the sunscreen and squeezed some into her hand. She started rubbing it on her arms. "Some. But she won't talk to me about it. Just like she won't talk to me about anything important anymore. I don't know what to do, Tandy."

Tandy hurt for her sister. Maddie's emotions had been all over the map after she found out about Deacon being her biological father. She had struggled tremendously with the fact that Rayna had hid that from her for her whole life. The circumstances of the accident had made things exponentially worse. Maddie had talked to her some in the beginning, but she had been more circumspect over the last year. Apparently Juliette Barnes was filling the void. "Is she still not seeing Teddy?"

Rayna shook her head. "That whole business with Peggy really threw her for a loop. I hate it though. He really wants to mend fences with her. He could probably force the issue, but he's trying to respect her feelings, I think. And it makes things stressful for Daphne to have her sister and her father at odds with each other. She feels like she's in the middle."

"Well, it's hard when your parents start dating other people. You know she was not happy about that even before the divorce."

Rayna nodded. "That is true."

"Speaking of dating, are you seeing anyone now? Thinking about it?" She winked at her sister.

Rayna rolled her eyes and shook her head. "God, no. Tandy, I really hate dating, I have to tell you. Or maybe it's just that my judgment about men is messed up." She laughed. "That's probably it. My radar for good men is permanently broken." She patted Tandy's hand. "I think you got the last good one."

Tandy smiled broadly. "Yeah, Bucky is a gem. We need to find you a Bucky."

Rayna laughed and looked fondly at her sister. Tandy and Bucky were so different and yet so much the same. She was happy that they had found each other. "Just no bedtime stories, please," she said.

Tandy laughed. "No promises. So, should I be on the lookout for a new man for you?"

Rayna shook her head, but was still smiling. "No, I think I need to be on my own for a bit. I mean, I went from Deacon to Teddy back to Deacon and then Liam and Luke and Jeff. I just don't think I make very good choices. I've got to reassess."

"I will say that I was surprised that you dated Jeff, after the way he behaved when you were still at Edgehill."

Rayna looked knowingly at Tandy. "I know. But he was so apologetic after it all happened and he seemed very charming. What can I say? I'm not very good at picking men."

"Oh, sweetheart, I don't think you can make that kind of blanket statement. You went through a lot after the accident and you were trying to reinvent yourself. Trying out different men is just part of that."

Rayna threw her head back and laughed. "You make it sound like I was squeezing cantaloupe at the Kroger." She looked at her sister and smiled a little sadly. "It's just hard, you know? I didn't think it would be this hard."

Tandy looked off towards the beach. She was pretty sure Rayna was talking about Deacon, even if she didn't want to talk about it. When Rayna had told Deacon they were through, Tandy thought it was the right thing to do. At least for a while. She knew Rayna needed some time to work through all the issues that the accident had raised and she needed to deal with Deacon's fall from sobriety. She wasn't at all sure she knew where Rayna's head was at with respect to Deacon these days. She wasn't sure she wanted her sister to be with Deacon, but she knew it wasn't up to her. "Have you talked to Deacon?"

Rayna shook her head. "Not about anything other than Maddie. And not face to face. It all still feels awkward."

"Give it time. It'll get more natural."

Rayna turned and gave Tandy a knowing smile. "And that's all we're going to say about that, ok?"

Tandy shrugged. "Sure." She didn't really care if they talked about Deacon or not, but she really did think that Rayna needed to resolve whatever her feelings were. She and Bucky had talked about the fact that she was really shut down about that subject. Bucky told her that people walked on eggshells around her when it came to any news about Deacon. It was as though he didn't exist. Tandy had no idea what the future held for them, but she did think they needed to figure out how to coexist for Maddie's sake. She sat back on her lounge chair as Rayna picked up her book and thought about how she could get Rayna to open up.

Rayna put on her sunglasses and opened her book, but she wasn't looking at the words. Now that so much time had passed since the accident, things looked different than they had in the immediate aftermath. She knew that she had jumped in bed, figuratively and literally, with Liam, Luke and Jeff to try to erase Deacon from her life. She had really thought cutting him out was the right thing to do. She had felt so self-righteous in her anger towards him and her hurt and her blame. _He_ was the one that was drunk, _he_ was the one who was unable to deal with tough situations, _he_ was the one who had caused her to nearly die. What had she told him? That the fact that they hadn't died meant that they needed to move forward separately? Was that really what it meant? She knew she had meant it then, but more recently she had started to feel unsettled. And one day, when she was sitting at the cemetery in front of her mom's grave, something she was doing more often since the accident, she had had a moment of clarity so huge that it had taken her breath away.

In all those months, she had never once thought about what had brought them to that place. To that confrontation in the dressing room at the CMA's. To the corner of Granny White Pike and Battlefield Dr. To the point at which they had no contact at all except for stilted conversations about Maddie. It had started, now more than fifteen years ago, with an agreement to cover up a truth. An agreement to pretend that Teddy Conrad was her daughter's father, an agreement to deny Maddie's real father. Regardless of whether the heart was in the right place all those years ago, there was a conscious decision to lie and to enlist others to help protect that lie. And then she had kept that truth hidden, continued to lie every single day. _Every single moment._ For thirteen years.

What had she really thought would happen that night she showed up on Deacon's porch? That they could have a relationship and she still could cover up the truth? She had realized early on that she couldn't do both and she had tried pulling back, but the pull towards him was too strong. He was so much a part of her fabric that she couldn't deny him. And so she had set them on the path to where they ended up at that intersection that night.

How foolish had she been, how foolish had they all been, to think that they could hide their secret forever? Because that was the reality. They really had, somehow, thought they could keep this from Deacon and Maddie forever. The longer it had gone on, the worse the potential fallout from the truth coming out, and that was what had played out that dark night.

It had hit Rayna like a freight train that day in the cemetery and she couldn't get it out of her head. She had tried to bury it for a year but when she had finally gotten past the flurry of activity she'd used to try to eradicate Deacon from her life, there it was. _It was my fault. It all started with me._ And now that the genie was out of the bottle, she couldn't put it back in. And she wasn't sure where to go with it or how to make amends. It had been so long now. She couldn't be sure that she hadn't gotten to the point of no return.


	2. Chapter 2

Deacon had just walked out to his truck after a day of rehearsals with Sheryl Crow. She had invited him to be in her band for the recording of her latest album and he was happy to be working with her. For most of the past year, he had worked around town wherever he could pick up work. It had taken him months of physical therapy to get his hand back close to what it had been before the accident. And then it had taken him time to get steady work. It felt like he had gone back to where he'd been after his fifth stay in rehab. Although he was considered one of the best lead guitarists in Nashville, his involvement in the accident that had nearly killed Rayna and had exposed his own problems, yet again, had made many people wary. He had been pissed about it, even though he knew it was his own doing, but he kept that to himself and tried to rebuild his reputation. Slowly but surely he had done that and this was his reward.

When his phone rang, he looked at it and didn't recognize the number. He had gotten in the habit of ignoring numbers he didn't know; after the accident, reporters would get his number and call looking for a story or some gossip and he quit answering. But for some reason, he decided to answer this one.

"Hello?"

"Um, hello, is this Mr. Deacon Claybourne?" came an unfamiliar female voice.

"Who's calling?"

"I'm calling from the emergency room at Vanderbilt Medical Center. A Miss Maddie Conrad asked me to call you."

Deacon's heart thudded when he heard Vanderbilt Medical Center, but when he heard Maddie's name he felt a chill run up his spine. Had something happened to Maddie? Or to Rayna? "Yeah, I, uh, I know Maddie Conrad. Is something wrong?"

"She's been in an accident and she told us that you were her father. Can you come to the hospital?"

"Is she ok?" His voice caught in his throat.

"It's not serious, but the doctor can talk to you more when you get here."

"I'll be right there." He ended the call. _Why did Maddie call me? Why did she tell them I was her father? _ He still didn't feel like much of a father to her and their relationship still wasn't easy. They would play guitar together and that seemed to help them bridge the awkwardness. Juliette would often be the one to bring Maddie to see him and she encouraged both the teenager and Deacon to work on their relationship, to work on getting to know each other a different way. He didn't understand, really, what Juliette's interest was, but he could see that she was helping Maddie feel more comfortable including him in her life. And he appreciated that.

He did talk to Rayna about Maddie, but their conversations were infrequent and usually very stiff and awkward. Rayna mostly texted him, only occasionally talking to him over the phone, but she would still not see him. The estrangement from Rayna made him angry at times, but mostly made him sad. She had been the love of his life, still was, and he hated how everything that had happened after he'd found out Maddie was his had seemed to destroy that, as well as any good feelings she'd had towards him.

He had battled his demons, was still battling them. Working through the pain of his childhood and the damage that his father had visited on him had not been easy. He was afraid that he couldn't be a good father because he hadn't had a good role model and it had made him keep some distance with Maddie. But he was trying. So he saw this as a sign that it was working.

As he drove to the hospital, he wondered if Rayna would be there. He hadn't thought of it at first, but was sure that the hospital had called them both. So he would see her. He wondered what she would say, how she would react. It almost made him turn around, but he didn't want to let Maddie down. It would be worse if he didn't show up at all.

When he got to the hospital, he hurried to the emergency room and asked for Maddie. A nurse came and led him to a curtained off area. His face was a mask of concern as he walked in and saw Maddie. She was laying with her head turned away and he could see she had a bandage on her forehead.

"Maddie?" he said, and she turned and gave him a small smile. He walked up to her and took her hand. "What happened?"

Maddie rolled her eyes. "It's really not a big deal. I was with some friends and we were leaving the mall and someone ran into us from behind. I hit my head on the seat."

When Deacon realized it was a car accident, he felt sick. All he could think about was his and Rayna's accident. He was relieved that this one had been relatively minor. "How do you feel?"

"I have a headache. They said it was a concussion."

Just then the doctor came in and confirmed that it was, in fact, a concussion, pretty minor, but they wanted to keep Maddie overnight for observation. They were ready to move her to a room, so someone would be coming to take her up in just a few minutes. That's when Deacon thought again about Rayna.

"Is your mom on the way?" he asked Maddie.

She gave him a look that he'd seen before when Rayna's name came up. Maddie was still not fully reconciled with her mother and their relationship was very strained. "No," she said firmly. "I just gave them your name."

Deacon breathed in. "You know she needs to know."

Maddie shrugged. "I guess. Whatever."

This father stuff was still new enough, but dealing with an angry teenager was not what he had bargained for. He decided not to argue with her, but he would call Rayna and let her know what was going on.

As he followed the nurse taking Maddie up to a room, he tried calling Rayna. The call went to voice mail. He sighed and sent her a text, letting her know what was going on.

* * *

Rayna dropped Daphne at her friend's house for a sleepover. She was getting annoyed over not hearing from Maddie. Maddie had gone with some friends to the mall after school, but it was after 6 and she still wasn't home. And her phone was going straight to voice mail. She searched for her phone in her purse before she pulled out. When she realized she'd left it at home, she swore. _Maddie better be home when I get there,_ she thought.

When she got to the house, Maddie wasn't there. Rayna sighed deeply and, spotting her phone on the counter, picked it up to try her daughter again. But she saw that she had missed a call, surprisingly from Deacon, and that she had a text from him. She clicked on the message. _Maddie in accident. She's ok. At Vandy. U should come._

Rayna gasped. "Oh, my God," she murmured. She grabbed her purse and headed for the hospital.

* * *

Rayna hurried to the nurse's station and got Maddie's room number. When she walked in the room, she stopped short. Maddie was lying in the hospital bed with a bandage on her forehead. Deacon was sitting next to her bed, holding her hand. She felt a fluttering in her heart. She hadn't seen him in months. She wasn't sure what to say.

At her approach, he looked up and raised his eyebrows. Then he turned back to look at Maddie and squeezed her hand. "Your mama's here," he said when she opened her eyes.

Maddie turned to look at Rayna. Her expression gave away nothing. "What happened?" Rayna asked breathlessly.

"I was in a car accident," Maddie said matter of factly. "I'm ok. It's just a concussion."

Rayna felt weak in the knees. All she could think about was the accident she'd been in with Deacon. The one that had almost killed her. She could barely breathe. She hurried to Maddie's side. "I want to see the doctor." She looked at Deacon. "Have you seen the doctor?"

Deacon nodded. He felt uncomfortable, like he was intruding. Which was ridiculous, since Maddie had asked the nurse to call him, but he felt like Rayna was unhappy he was here. It had been so long since they'd been in the same room, the same space together. He had hoped that time would heal the wounds, but it didn't seem like it had. "The doctor said it's a concussion, some scrapes and bruises. He should be back in here in a minute."

"I don't understand…." she started, but then was interrupted when the doctor arrived.

"I'm Dr. Wilson," he said after shaking her hand. "As I told your husband," he nodded towards Deacon "Maddie's going to be fine. We're going to keep her overnight just for observation but you'll be able to take her home in the morning."

Rayna looked at Deacon when the doctor referred to him as her husband. It made her feel oddly sad, but she decided to just leave it be. "Thank you, Dr. Wilson. That makes me feel better."

"We'd like to run a few tests right now. If the two of you want go to the waiting room, the nurse will let you know when we're done."

Deacon took Maddie's hand again. "I'm gonna go on. I'll see you later, ok?"

Maddie frowned. "No. You can go wait with Mom. I asked you to come, so I want you to stay."

Deacon looked at Rayna and she nodded. He turned back to Maddie. "Ok. I'll see you in a bit." He smiled at her and then turned and followed Rayna out of the room. They walked to the waiting room side by side, not talking.

Rayna sat down and Deacon hesitated for a moment before he sat in a chair at a ninety degree angle to hers. A few more minutes passed before Rayna spoke. "So Maddie called you?" she asked quietly.

Deacon looked at her. He nodded. "Yeah. Actually the hospital called. But she gave them my number."

"Why?" Her tone wasn't accusatory, just questioning.

Deacon cleared his throat. "I, uh, I don't really know. I thought she'd probably given both our names and maybe they weren't able to get you. But when I got here, she told me she only gave them mine."

Rayna smiled sadly and then looked away. Deacon could tell that her feelings were hurt. He didn't really know what to say, so he didn't say anything. It had been so long since he had seen her and he wanted to reach out to her, to tell her it was ok and not to read anything into this. He wanted to hold her because he knew this had scared her, that the words "car accident" had scared her. They had scared him too. He sat, watching her, and rubbed his hand across his mouth. "Can I get you anything?" he asked quietly.

Rayna took a breath and shook her head. "So what happened? What was this car accident?" She felt hurt that Maddie had deliberately not called her. It felt like they were farther apart than ever.

Deacon wondered if these were the kinds of conversations that she'd had with Teddy all these years. Worrying about Maddie, talking about things that she'd done. All the conversations the two of them should have been having. Fifteen months was a long time. He had accepted that Rayna didn't want him in her life, that she didn't want to have anything to do with him. She'd done that before, when she had married Teddy. This time had felt so final though and it still made him incredibly sad to think about it. He'd forgiven her long ago. He just wished she could forgive him. He cleared his throat and rubbed his hands over his mouth before answering. "From what I understand, she was with some friends. Another car ran into them from behind at a stop sign. Maddie was in the backseat and she hit her head on the seat in front of her, pretty hard. Nobody else in the car had anything more than bruises." Before he thought about what he was doing, he reached for her hand. "She's fine, Ray."

Rayna looked down at his hand on hers. She had almost forgotten what his touch felt like, how it felt for him to hold her hand. She could tell he realized what he'd done and he started to pull away, but she closed her fingers over his. She smiled at him tentatively. "Thanks," she said. "For being here with her."

His eyes looked deep into hers. His brow furrowed. "I'm just glad I could be here."

Rayna took her hand away then and took a deep breath. "It's probably time for us to figure all of this out, don't you think?"

Deacon sat back and lifted his eyebrows. "About Maddie?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah. I think we have to. We need to figure out how we can help her." She looked away. "I think it's time to stop acting like this didn't happen."

Deacon frowned. "That was what you wanted, though."

Rayna looked back at him. She hadn't realized until that moment how much she had missed him. He had been in her life for so long and then she had banished him. She had tried not to think about him, although every time she looked at Maddie she couldn't help it. But she had worked hard to move past all the complicated feelings she had for Deacon after the accident. It hadn't been entirely successful. She nodded in response to his observation. "Yeah, I know. I thought we needed some space. All of us. But maybe I was wrong. It's not like ignoring it is going to make it not be true."

Deacon shook his head slowly. "No, it does not." He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "I did need some time to get used to the idea of being a father. You know I didn't have a good role model. And Maddie was so angry at me. For hurting you. I know you don't want to hear this, but Juliette has actually been a big help to her. She's been someone Maddie could talk to. About things. Juliette could relate to her. She's been a good friend."

Rayna looked skeptical. "To both of you?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah, to both of us. But just as a friend, Rayna. She and I are way past anything but that."

Rayna smiled a little. "I know. It's just hard for me to think about Juliette Barnes doing anything for unselfish reasons."

Deacon smiled back. "She's got a lot more layers than you think. She just tries hard not to show them." He let out a quiet chuckle. "She isn't judgmental with Maddie. Just with me."

Rayna nodded. She sat back and tears sprang to her eyes. She couldn't look at Deacon. "I feel like I've failed Maddie. And I failed you," she said brokenly. "I failed everybody." Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"No, you didn't, Ray. You did the right thing for everybody." He hated seeing her cry. "When I was sitting in that jail cell," he said quietly, "I realized that you did the only thing you could do. I was a drunk. You couldn't depend on me. I totally got it." He rubbed his hands over his mouth and breathed in. "I forgave you a long time ago, Ray. I just wish I could have told you that sooner."

She turned to look at him, her face streaked with tears, pain in her eyes. "Deacon, I…." she started. But then the nurse walked up and interrupted them.


	3. Chapter 3

When the nurse had told Rayna and Deacon they could spend the night with Maddie, she had protested loudly. "I'm not a child!" she cried.

"You're _my_ child," Rayna had said sternly. She had glanced at Deacon. "You're _our_ child." Maddie had made a face, but said Rayna could stay as long as Deacon did too. Deacon had looked like he was ready to leave, but Maddie had pleaded with him. Neither one wanted to argue with her, which was how they had both ended up asleep in Maddie's hospital room. Or at least pretending to be asleep.

Rayna was on the sleeper chair, Deacon in the regular chair next to Maddie's bed. There had been no time for them to continue the conversation they had started in the waiting room. Rayna had a hard time sleeping. The sleeper chair wasn't that comfortable. Being in a hospital, _this_ hospital, brought back unpleasant memories of her own stay. But more than anything it was the fact that Deacon was dozing in the chair by Maddie's bed. Looking over at him now reminded her that she needed to finish that conversation.

In the fifteen months since the accident, she rarely talked about Deacon to anyone. At first it was because she was angry and hurt and disappointed. Then it became kind of a habit. But now it was because talking about him, or thinking about him, just called attention to the hole in her heart. The one she thought might never be filled by anyone else. Because when she thought that there would never be Deacon again, she could hardly breathe. And now here he was.

She thought about his comment that he had forgiven her. She had suspected, when she'd met him at the crash site not long after she'd gotten out of the hospital, that he was no longer angry with her. But she had shut him down that night. She had not wanted to revisit things and she was sure she was ready to move on without him. She was sure then that there would never again be a Deacon and Rayna. She thought, at the time, that her head was clear and she knew what to do. After all, she'd just had a near death experience. If that wasn't enough to clear your head, what was? But she was still in denial about the real issue back then.

She had, in fact, not dealt with it from the moment Deacon had confronted her at the CMA's. She had put the blame all on him – _"think about how you were at that time."_ Maybe she _had_ been thinking about what was best for Maddie then, but she had never once thought about what was best for Deacon. She had wanted to explain things to him then, but it would all have been his fault – his drinking, his problems.

_How could you do that to someone, especially someone you loved?_ she thought. _How could you have made that choice for someone else? _ She could blame Teddy, but it was time she acknowledged that she had willingly agreed and that she had convinced herself it was the only way.

She loved Deacon and yet she had treated that love callously, thoughtlessly. Tears filled her eyes as she looked over at him, asleep in their daughter's hospital room. She had been terribly unfair to him.

She remembered telling Tandy she didn't want to ever talk to him again. And she hadn't, for a long time. He had not approached Maddie for months and Maddie had had no interest in him either. Her feelings were complex – she thought of Rayna as a liar, she pitied Deacon but was also embarrassed by him, and she still looked at Teddy as her dad. But when Teddy got back together with Peggy and tried to hide it, Maddie exploded. And in her upside down world, she chose who she felt was the lesser of all evils, and turned to Deacon. At least they had being lied to in common, she remembered Maddie shouting at her.

So then Rayna was forced to communicate with Deacon, but it was sporadic and she kept it as impersonal as possible. Texts and emails mostly, phone calls occasionally, but never face-to-face. She wondered how Deacon must have felt then – her shutting the door on him so completely when he wanted to made amends, refusing to partner with him on Maddie's wellbeing. She realized how dismissively she had treated him. She had begun to wonder if her desire to keep her "private life private" back when she and Deacon were together wasn't more a function of keeping him and his problems hidden than just wanting some normalcy.

She felt heartbroken when she realized how she had treated this man who had loved her unconditionally. Whom she had loved as well but obviously with parameters. She never thought of herself as doing that, but the reality was that she had.

He said he had forgiven her. Could she ever forgive herself for what she'd done to him? She'd tried to change history when she'd told Liam that she should have gone to St. Lucia with him instead of going to Deacon's that night. As though it was her decision-making that was flawed. But it wasn't that at all. Truth – if she'd gone to St. Lucia, perhaps none of what followed would have happened. But the reality wasn't that choosing Deacon that night had been a mistake; it was that denying Deacon fifteen years ago had been. That decision had set the course for what had happened at that intersection.

Maybe if she told him she knew it was her fault, they could find a way to fix things. Since she couldn't sleep, she thought maybe it would be helpful to get up and take a walk, to clear her head.

* * *

The hospital chair was probably the most uncomfortable place he'd ever slept. And that was saying something, considering all the places he'd slept off a drunk night. Even though he was only dozing, he was oddly happy to be there. For the first time, he felt like part of a real family. It was every bit as disjointed as the family he'd grown up in, but there was a certain measure of comfort in being here with Rayna, supporting their daughter.

He looked first at Maddie, who was sleeping soundly, then at Rayna, who seemed to be asleep but restless. It felt good to be with her, even though he was uncertain as to her feelings. She had cut him off after the accident and had kept him distant. He knew she had been with several different men in the past year or so, which had hurt him to his core, even though he tried not to let it. He had no right to be jealous.

He wondered about what she had intended to say to him in the waiting room before they were interrupted. She had said that she'd failed him. What did that mean? He didn't want to assume anything and he hoped that they would be able to go back and finish that conversation. He was feeling a lot like he did all those years she'd been married to Teddy. Not being able to let her go, wanting to stay in her life no matter what, having to put up with her telling him to "see what was around the bend" or "take a different path" or some other similar shit like that. He'd always known, back then, that her feelings for him weren't really over although, of course, he hadn't known that much of that was tied up in Maddie. But this time it had felt very different. It had felt like she had truly closed the door. Had something, finally, changed?

When the truck had stopped rolling that night, he had been terrified. He knew he was hurt, but all he could focus on was Rayna. In those few moments, his anger at her about not telling him Maddie was his was gone. He instantly knew that his being drunk in that truck was the cause of the accident. He had taken responsibility for it because it was the only way he knew to atone for the pain he'd caused her. If she had not woken up and told the police that she was the driver, he would have gone to his death taking responsibility. He had hoped he would have a chance to tell her he was sorry. For everything.

But when he had called her that night, when he had come face to face with the prospect of never playing again, she had pushed him away. And when she gave him back the ring he'd given her all those years ago, it felt so final. He'd never had a chance to say what he'd wanted to say to her.

When he had left that night, he realized that he could be bitter and hate her or he could just put his head down, do the work to get his life back in order, and maybe have a chance to prove himself to her again. He wanted to do the latter, but he went through a period of bitterness anyway until he realized it was holding him back. He'd had his own share of relationships, trying to force her out of his system. But then Maddie needed him.

After Teddy had gotten secretly engaged to Peggy, Maddie found out and was furious. Again it seemed her world had exploded around her. This time, though, she had reached out to him. He wanted to be there for her and for a while it was a struggle for both of them. That's when Juliette had stepped in and acted as kind of an intermediary. He couldn't quite figure out her angle, but it seemed that she had been someone Maddie had turned to and trusted. He had been somewhat amused by how grown up Juliette seemed when dealing with Maddie and her confusion. He was grateful, though, that Juliette had encouraged Maddie to give him a chance. Now, if only Rayna would as well.

He heard her get up then, stand still for a moment, probably looking at Maddie, and then walk softly out of the room. He hesitated for only a minute, deciding that this might be the chance to finish what they'd started in the waiting room. He stood up and followed her path out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Rayna was wide awake. She looked at the clock, illuminated by the lights on the machines near Maddie's bed. It was 3:45 in the morning. She sighed quietly. Even though she knew Maddie was ok, it was still disconcerting to be in this place. She needed to get up.

She looked over at Deacon, asleep in the chair. It had been such a long time since she had seen him. Other people in the business would mention him to her and what he was doing, but mostly they kept quiet. Seeing him again was a shock to her system. Being so close to him had made every nerve ending feel like it was on fire. It felt like it was time. It had been a long time coming, but it was time. To fix what was broken, to reorganize what had gotten mixed up, to establish a new order to things.

She padded softly past Maddie and Deacon and headed out to the hallway. She wanted to collect her thoughts. She hadn't gone far when she realized he had walked up behind her. She turned to look at him. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Deacon shook his head. "That chair isn't comfortable enough to sleep in."

She smiled. "Neither is mine." They walked a little further. "Thank you for staying. I know it meant a lot to Maddie."

Deacon nodded, looking straight ahead. He wished it meant a lot to Rayna. "I know this is hard for you," he said. "Brings back bad memories."

"Yeah, it does." She crossed her arms. "I'm just glad it wasn't as bad for her." She looked up at him. "This is the second time you've been there for her like this."

Deacon thought back to the accident at Two Old Hippies, back when he was in Juliette's band. Before he knew Maddie was his. Hit bit down on his lip. "Yeah."

Rayna took a deep breath. "I think it's time to move past all this. You know?"

Deacon looked at her for a moment, then put his hands in his pockets. He didn't know what to say, what she meant. He had tried to let her go. He had accepted it that night at the crash site when she said it was over for them, that they'd caused each other too much grief. She was right. He had hurt her over and over and over again. He had never meant for it to be that way, but he hadn't known how to stop it. He had found himself wondering if it all meant that they weren't meant to be together after all. He had stayed sober for such a long time and then he had failed her. Failed himself. Failed their daughter. It reminded him of how she had said in the waiting room that she had failed everyone. He wasn't sure he wanted to listen to her tell him again that it was the end for them.

"I've done a lot of thinking," she said, "and I feel like maybe I didn't really trust you enough. Back then. I loved you so much, Deacon, and I thought I was being supportive, but I think I was just not trusting you."

Deacon felt a lump in his throat. He wasn't sure where she was going with this, but it didn't sound good. Then she surprised him by linking her arm through his as they continued to walk.

"I was trying to protect you, keep you safe. But I think I really was telling you that you couldn't do it. And you couldn't live up to my expectations. I think that's why you kept having to go back to rehab. You were everything to me, Deacon, and I feel like I let you down."

He wanted to say something but he wasn't sure what it would be. Maybe it was better to let her talk it out and then see where they were. He could feel tears stinging his eyes and he blinked multiple times trying to hold them back. He couldn't look at her.

"I think when I let you go and you had to stand on your own, that's when you were able to figure it out. I was smothering you. Watching you. No wonder you couldn't do it." She leaned against him for just a moment. When she spoke again, her voice was soft and gravelly with emotion. "I also need to tell you that I have come to realize that the accident was my fault. I lied to you all those years ago. I lied to you for all of Maddie's life. I can't blame you anymore for what happened to me. To us. I should never have blamed you at all."

Deacon tried breathing slowly, trying to control his emotions. His chest hurt. He looked around, anywhere but at her. He was so aware of her arm draped through his, her touch light. He didn't want to read anything into it. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms, but he wasn't sure if she would accept him or push him away.

"I thought I could do this without you. Go on with my life. But I don't think I can. You're a part of me." Rayna's voice was cracking with her own emotions. "Deacon, I think we need to figure out how we can be together and not suffocate each other. Do you think we can do that? Do you even want to? Or is it too late?"

She turned to look at him and he looked down at her. His eyes were red with unshed tears. He was breathing in slowly. She wasn't sure if she saw pain or anguish or just what in his eyes. Then he reached for her, pulled her to him, and kissed her. Lightly at first. She turned into him and put her hands on either side of his face and deepened the kiss. He put his arms around her waist, tentatively at first, then pulling her closer to him. She arched her back slightly and fit herself to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He felt overwhelmed. With emotions, with gratitude, with relief. He had thought he'd never do this again, be able to hold her, kiss her, love her. While he heard her words, and knew that she hadn't come easily to this place, he also knew that she couldn't take all of the blame. But that was a conversation for another day. He was just grateful that there would be an opportunity to have that conversation. He wanted to do things differently this time. He kissed her with all the longing and yearning that he'd stored up for the past fifteen months. It felt good to be this close to her, to be able to touch her and have her touch him back. The tears he'd been trying to hold back let loose, mixing with the ones he felt on her face.

They stood there for a long time, in the middle of the night, in a hospital hallway, just kissing, tears mingling together. A nurse walked by and smiled to herself. Most of the time there was sadness in these hallways; it was nice to see a moment like this. Finally they pulled back slightly. Deacon's face was a mask of need and surprise and gratitude. Rayna looked joyful for the first time since before the accident. It felt like the last piece of her life was back in place. The most important piece. It was time to move forward, change the story, figure out a new path. She looked deep into his eyes and smiled at him. "I'm sorry it took me so long," she said softly.

Deacon shook his head. "I don't want to look back. Let's just look forward."

They turned and walked back towards Maddie's room, their arms around each other, moving forward together at last.


End file.
